Typical.

Hello everyone !! Hope most things are fine and you are excited for the new year and all that because we are all supposed to be happy about it.
Why am i blogging all of a sudden after a gap of so many months? Because i can ..:P. Apart from that i really felt like following the cliché of writing how your year was and such typical things.Also in the gap that i didn’t blog, some of the most good things happened with and around me.I hope this blog doesn’t get too long as obviously eventually everyone loses interest . That is it to start with.
So, college ,exams,people,festivals,home,parents ,friends and like i don’t know the 100 other things that affect us , Struck me all of a sudden. It made realize what value /role it can have /play in anyone’s life. I might be stating the obvious but now i understand it and honestly hope that at some stage all of us become aware of this.
This striking feeling was due to a 10 day rural camp that i headed with one other person .The preparation before ,during and post camp and the 10 days when i had to lead the 50 most adaptive people. I learned so much about people in general and myself as well. Also this one idea that if you want be a leader ,never be one to impress the others.Basically being in line with what others have to say / feel is more important before imposing any idea because of the authority you possess.I thought i’d blog about this camp and what it means to me .But i will never be able to do that.It can only be experienced .Really.
Post this camp i made many good friends.( sounds like i was a loner before it ) ..P NO, I mean more good friends.And after that i was a part of this crazy big fat Indian wedding which was an experience as well.i don’t have many complaints so a good one.
Now the reason why i can’t blog regularly or most of us can’t – IT IS BEST JUST IN THE MIND SOMETIMES or MOST. For example ,rightnow or most of my previous blogs they hardly come out as well as i’ve thought them to be. It could be because of my redundant and stagnated vocabulary or because I cannot type my mind out .Thus all these posts are better in my head than here.This could be sounding like self praise or something.Its okay.This particular thought was brilliantly captured by a friend who wrote and performed a play about the same.It had some of the best dialogues i’ve heard until now.

To End with , I went with my parents for mum’s school reunion which in my mind i was extremely skeptical of but yay it surprised me and to no extent .It will be one of the most hassle free trips for me . NO complaints none at all ..It was i don’t know , perfect .? And i will go on to say that in this age with internet connection and all of its jargons any of us our age won’t be so excited or say overwhelmed seeing an old friend because we will have whatsapp-ed or sent a facebook notification or to top it all snapchat-ed as soon as i wake up picture .I feel internet will someday deprive us of any excitement at all with the number of things it does to fulfill the place of another human. Its sick.
Since mum was in la la land with old school homies ( pun intended ) me and dad bonded well over the places we went and observations we made .It is kind of funny to bitch with your dad ..:P Importantly it got so good that i wouldn’t mind inviting him even if i went camping with friends because he becomes like a kid who is out exploring not bothered of the age and its beautiful .TOO MUCH.The trip was so well organised it could put any travel agency to shame ,that too by normal people with extra ordinary efforts.Conclusion – mum had some really crazy school friends and awesome years with them.
Although i totally agree and accept the idea that all good things should come to an end ,i WISH SOMEHOW THIS YEAR WOULDN’T.” the world isn’t a wish granting factory” either so HAPPY NEW YEAR.I don’t know if i’ll blog again or just let it be in my mind.Anyways, this blog has been too long and really diconnected in events.But if you read and feel like commenting please do.:)

Teary eyed ,thus unclear.

Hello people!   I  didn’t blog last month . Hope to make up for it since  i have something to blog about ,  express and  unload  it off my mind and heart. Well, i am giving a  DISCLAIMER before i start with this write-up .  It is more personal than the other ones, it completely captures my theme on disappointment,  i am guessing much of what i will write here could be irrelavant and unrelatable or disconnected in contexts. If you read it anyway, please input. I value it.

Since my last write up and  before that too i’ ve been trying to find what disappoints people or how they react with disappointments. I saw;  people either hide their disappointments or kill themselves inside, and carry on being disappointed all the same. Even though i might have not seen much , we’ve failed to develop a defence mechanism against disappointments. If you’re disappointed, you are. There is always a trigger that brings back  that one event you fervently wish to forget. To illustrate this;  A ,a person failed a year in his college; he moved on  and he did everything that diverted  him from the disappointment but still if you talk about losing out on opportunities they have a trigger event ” a failed year ” .Saying  I am really disappointed by you is  one way a person can be made felt so low about themselves. And  it is  a difficult thing to please yourself  with whatever you do , at times you get disappointed by meaningless things.

Since ,I’ve been talking about disappointments..I will share a few which i saw recently with exam results coming out .Parents are disappointed , by their kid’s poor performance and they take it to different  level at times. It all ends up  with this one dialogue ” beta,aap aise perform karte rahoge  toh  aapka future kaise banega ??” profoundly adding  ” it wasn’t the same in our time “.

Well, obviously students these days  defy a lot of pressure and equal amount of distractions. But starting to question the child’s survival because he/she scored less is disappointing especially from people the world calls adults. I ,in anyway do not profess that parents do not have a right to tell their kids what they think but there is always a manner and measure  of saying it.

On a personal level, I’ve been facing a sort off financial crunch at home. And frankly its difficult to handle. I really sometimes start crying thinking of what a mess would ensue if it keeps going at this rate. Its not too bad but not good either. No one likes it anyway ! Also at such  times thinking about other ‘s having it a lot worse also doesn’t  help .You face it or it kills you !

Recently  , i’ve been startled by what happens if you don’t speak out what you think about or  want to say to a person.  They’re  not interested all the time  but speaking it out is  better. The conversation   goes like this: 3 people,

1st-  what  you want to say( your inside) ,                                                                   2nd -what you actually say( your mouth) and                                                       3rd – the reaction /reply we get  (the person/people you say it too) .

And most of us Never really say what we’re thinking. And at other times in group situations i’ve  noticed that people become more sardonic , saying things indirectly in a vicious and  twisted manner. It really disgusts me.

I will end this write up here. I really hope i get to go out somewhere for a few days.

 

Busy Bee who Sees

Sitting in front of the computer ,  staring at a blank blog draft , recollecting and thinking about the topics and points i have to mention in the write up,thinking of a title to brief it all up ,typing and deleting back and forth because nothing seems to fit ,realizing this sentence is too long to be called a sentence and thus putting a full stop

Fortunately, these last few weeks have been a relief in comparison to my previous months which passed by doing nothing productive or anything at all. So i started to learn swimming once again after a gap of 8-9 years.It’s nice to learn it despite of all the skin tan and acne( which are the second last things on my mind ).But most people seem to be making an issue about the tan and acne.All i can tell them is it won’t scar me for life or risk my chances of survival in the world ( where sadly ,WE DO GIVE A LOT MORE IMPORTANCE TO WHAT PEOPLE LOOK LIKE  than  WHAT THEY ARE LIKE ) .Honestly, i don’t really wish to change the way people think.1 thing – i do not mean one should not appear good/beautiful/handsome etc ,one certainly should.

One highlight of the past few weeks has been ” ways in which people express ANGER” it is  either the silent treatment( where we stop  talking to the person we are angry with /avoid talking to them hoping they’ll understand our reasons) I am a part of this group for the time being or it is  expression through the traditional ways of arguing and expressing anger through rage, in a way isn’t this a better option to the former one ? because at least we express what we feel  rather than bottling it up to a point where we  don’t understand how to express it.? when we use the silent treatment we sort off hold on to anger. And correct me if i am wrong ” Holding on to anger is like grasping hot coal with the intent of throwing at someone else; it is you who gets burned ” ( not sure of who has quoted this one, funny enough that the internet puts all anger quotes only in lord buddha’s name. )And one more of the annoying trends of expressing anger these days is through social media ( expressing our annoyance and irritation by ranting on social network sites about how horrible a life you have have / about people misunderstanding you and the like).And this brings me to an important question  ‘What does the purpose of putting up a status serve?’Have we become so attention seeking or rather lonely that we want the 10065 people on our facebook/WhatsApp to know how miserable our life is and getting likes on such statuses? Seriously, if  you are bold enough to share a piece of your life like this why not go and talk about your frustration to the person? Also ,stop convincing people about why you are right; everyone feels the same about what they think ( i am right ). Share enough for the person to decide what right or wrong is.

Since this  is starting to sound like a sermon, i now want to share with you a few of my doubts about convenience(s).In a group of people, it is really difficult to decide what is convenient for the whole group. Because i am dead sure that, if 9 a.m is convenient for A it most certainly won’t be for person B,C,D,and E.( as long as the group is not bound by authority ,in which case everyone will conform).Convenience and  Compromise are hand in glove with each other i guess , if a group has to function without authority ,right? Because if  we don’t compromise and adjust to a single convenience ( 9.a.m.for all) then again group conflict comes into picture. Deep down aren’t we  endlessly trying to put ourselves first? looking most at our convenience?.In other words,selfish?

Apart from all these serious humane things , i also started learning to play the guitar.For me,having no musical background at all it is time consuming and a tad difficult.But yeah guitarists weren’t born! they learnt and I can too.

My rating of this blog is : 6/10 (share your’s if  you wish)

“Comfort zone is a good place but nothing ever grows there”

– SOMEONE

See you till next time;)

 

Freedom ,books ,flowers and the moon

Hello,there.So here i am back in a month of going through  torture.By torture i mean – 1.having exams with extra long study breaks 2.staying at home all the time because everyone else has exams and shorter study breaks so you shouldn’t disturb them.3.being so jobless that you keep procrastinating untill you give up on doing the task altogether 4.feeling sad about all the above reasons but waiting anyway in the hope of good days.The title and the post don’t relate.That’s my current state of mind ,the title

i should get to the point now.Someone whom i was talking to recently, thinks they will blog if “something unique”flashes their mind.Well,that got me thinking.i am starting to think is this a unique blog? is it interesting enough? or would the blog help you in someway?i hope it does in the smallest way possible.this isn’t the only point .

i would like to share some of my observations about a list of things.

1.) Adults – they seem to face this  issue of interpreting                                  words,sentences,meanings,indirect remarks;basically                                  interpreting situations according to their understanding                        and i  felt that sometimes due to this there are so many relationships that get soured because some events gets interpreted incorrectly.

2.)Music- well, i can’t say that i am “into” music but  we all enjoy music and there was this particular phase in the past month where i wasn’t too enthusiastic about most events.So at this time whenever i listened to a particular song  i could relate to it more better with the temporary vacuum in my mind .i enjoyed music with an empty mind.Do you?

3.)Equanimity- On one of the days of my exams i was going to get late for  the exam due to a technical fault in the trains.In the events that unfolded i  was about to die( maybe its an exaggeration ) but i was close to.Dying not because of getting late for an exam but of standing on a train track trying to fix a broken slipper completely unaware that a train was just zooming towards me.I am alive so i am just laughing it off , its nice i didn’t panic at all.Panic will and does bring out the worst for you and in you.

4.) Infatuation – believe you me,it always fades with time .It does.i really want to understand what people called “real love”

5.)Stagnate – the mind needs its food all the time like a starving person.One cannot let it b idle , in fact it never is,you can’t not do “anything ” ;that’s practically not possible.

And from the previous post ( to all those who read it ) the thing i was expectant of happened.  Honestly, i am not too happy with this post.

Ending the post with the lines that are relatable at the moment

“I don’t quite know
How to say
How I feel ”   ( Snow patrol – Chasing Cars)

p.s.- i haven’t put up those lines above because i am unhappy about this post.i love this song.And it’s funny how i just justified it. we all do it at some point..justifying..often,unnecessarily ( this is also one of the observations .) we all give ,take ,share ,make reasons for everything that we do .Sometimes can’t it be JUST?

‘We do not become ,We simply are’

a lot

Hello, i am writing today because 1.) it is  a really beautiful and pleasant sunday  2.) i am just a week away from one of my important exams 3.)there is a little more than a lot on my mind.

One of the many things is that i have  stopped studying for the exams ;reasons being ..there are sufficient holidays before every paper , my preparation is done i would say  i will try and revise properly in those days rather than now.Somehow,i feel if i study a lot rightnow i might become overconfident when i actually  have to prepare.This ,my parents say is not a really good habit.Well,i hope i  perform just as i have planned.Also one of my close friends just underwent an operation ,successfully.I wish him luck for everything after his surgery.

My study-leave has been going on for almost a month now ( official holidays given by the education board).Sadly though these everydays of without proper routine make me think about stuff in a  sad pattern. i’ve tried to resist it by watching sherlock and painting.(i like to paint because its one activity where i don’t have to talk much to anyone).In the last week of January, there was an event in my college.We had small kids from underprivileged backgrounds coming for two days and  we students were divided into  2 groups “adoption” and “entertainment”.i was a part of the former and it more felt like the kid (payal) had adopted me. It felt special to take care of and get the same in return.It felt better because even if for 2 days the kids enjoyed irrespective of how they live daily.And i’ve come to realize that we make a big deal of them being “underprivileged” when they themselves are at peace with the facts.

i got a decent percent in my preliminary exams.i am pointing it out because i am happy i progressed from what i had got last.

Apart ,from all the above currently i’ve been feeling a bit confident,i am expectant of one thing to happen ( fingers crossed),[ i might tell you all once it happens],i am a little scared for my exams( because c’mon i can’t be arrogant all the time saying ” i am sorted and i’ll manage “), i am excited for all the things that i will be doing after these exams get over  and i am really expectant for that one thing to happen and it is the first time i am expectant of such a thing.

i read Perks of being a Wallflower, following are the lines which i feel were  really well expressed and most of them were relatable

1.)There are other people who have it a lot worse.

2.)It is now my favourite book of all time ,but then again ,I always think that untill I read another book.

3.)So,what’s the point of using words nobody else knows or can say comfortably? I just don’t understand that.

4.)I don’t really know .They are all the same to me.( w.r.t questions like what is your favourite film etc )

5.)Girls  like guys to be a challenge. It gives then some mold to fit in how they act .Like a mom. What would a mom do if she couldn’t fuss over you and make you clean your room ? And what would you do without her fussing and make you do it?Everyone needs a mom.And a mom knows this.And it gives her a sense of purpose.

6.)I look at people holding hands in the hallways and i try to think how it all works .At the school dances,I sit in the background and i tap my toe and i wonder how many couples will dance to “their song”.In the hallways,I see the girls wearing the guys’s jacket and I think about the idea of  property.And I wonder if anyone is really happy.I hope they are. i hope they are.

7.)Let the quiet put things where they are supposed to be.

8.)I just never gave god a name 

9.)..the reason i am saying this is because we are all supposed to think of reasons to live.

10.)I am very interested and fascinated by how everyone  loves each other,but no one really likes each other.

11.)A lot of parents make you feel awkward when you meet them .

12.)They just knew.And i think that’s all you can ever ask from a friend.

13.)Do you guess or do you know ?

14.)that people who try to control situations all the time are afraid that if they don’t nothing will work out the way they want.

15.) It’s strange the time people choose to be generous.

That’s about it  for this month.i think i’ve written a lot.And i have written “a lot ” many times.Have a good time.:)

On Rethinking and returning

Hello, i have not written in a while .And in between today and all the time that passed i have had a lot of experiences and thoughts and incidents that i could have blogged about …(infact ,i should have ).but i think i just lost the connection i thought i’d blog regularly but i didn’t ..lost connection ,meaning i saw blogs of other people and i lost a little of my confidence ..i was comparing my writing to other people’s ..and on seeing how amazing,thought provoking,extensive and vivid( unlike mine) and everything GOOD  ;their write up’s were i just stopped writing altogether ..

BUT ,again the same people whose writing i had read and stopped writing encouraged me to write again ..ironic ,but true ..so,thanks to all of them .:)

briefly,i will try and recollect all or most things that i would have blogged about 1) College festival 2) Assignments ,Projects and their impracticality 3) Rural Camp 4) Random thoughts 5) New year’s eve

After noting all the things i would have written about i realize all these things will happen again so i will right about them 🙂

NO REGRETS.

JUST SAYING … !

Ummm , after working with groups of people in school and college for various things I realised something. I didn’t accomplish anything much big ( if you thought so).And this write-up isn’t even like the previous one.I am not going to talk about anything toooo over the top or something that you wouldn”t understand.

Basically, this is one very common thing I observed after working in groups and even individually.The thing is even though people don’t contribute they will keep complaining.This is like not paying taxes and still saying the infrastructure is bad ( pun intended)

So,getting back to my group members..They will complain  about not having time to wait for a meeting when in break.;they will complain about not waiting back after lectures; they will complain about time being wasted ;they will complain if things are working out and will certainly complain if things aren’t working out, they will go on to saying the topic chosen was bad,they don’t like the teacher then ,neither will they want any /”much ” work .They don’t want to speak,they will complain about lectures,books,pen colour not looking good on the book complain a li’l more about how a government is failing .They will tell you “why ” THIS sucks more than THAT. And if nothing else ,they will go on crying more about how their life,friends,family,trains ,travelling ,play ,love and almost everything more or less sucks.

After this monologue,I think I have put something across.I AM NOT  EXCLUDING MYSELF FROM THE LOT I talked about, Even though I Complain and say how different things suck ,it’s not all the time.To all those who do it all the time ..I have somethings to ask ..WHAT EXACTLY /HOW EXACTLY DO YOU WANT THINGS AROUND YOU TO BE ..? Good/Bad/Weak/Strong/Challenging/Not challenging…??What ???   And why can’t they SOMETIMES contribute first and complain later ..??And do they expect anything out of themselves…??And for the least if they do expect something …WHY DON’T THEY shut up  FOR ONCE and do something about it ..Why is appreciation so neglected and complaining outweighed ..??

This behaviour that I see and often get irritated by is the same as we being citizens of a country are showcasing ..WE are complaining before contributing. The complaints won’t ever disappear ( if you read and understood my last post ).They won’t disappear but we can at least do something about the complaints ..You know something like..WORK..??

The thing with PERFECT things

The title i think suggests as if something related to “perfection ”  as a virtue is being talked about.Or maybe about  a way of making things perfect.Not sure ,though.Actually,I’d want/prefer if the reader puts their pre-disposition aside  for a little while.

            So,I had this recent chat with a reaaly close and almost alike friend of mine.(I know he wouldn’t want to be named).Like most our talks,this conversation also started from the general and went on to the concrete.(I have to admit ,this sucky dialogue of my not so /atall happening eng teacher is atleast used somewhere)

          We staretd talking about how our childhood went by ,the fun we had. Or didn’t.Which we so miss and feel the need to RE-LIVE.The crazzzzy gamess we played and whether or not we did have “chadddi -budddies”.But as time passed it reaaly didn’t matter what past we had. Infact,we grew up and found this beautiful group of people.This group was formed through our 6th grade teacher,who in its literal sense went on to become a second mother to all of us.

               Growing up with this sort off or near perfect environment around me …You know the ever accepting and adaptable parents,acknowledging friends,about meeting the right people.And having bonds so strong with  all the people that you get surrounded with this illusion of all thing being.And most things being good.What if some day ,it all comes crashing down .All goes away and to feel and bear the pain of all this ALONE.Yeah,it grips me so bad; the thought itself.

          I actually ,like literally cannot imagine the breakdown and my possible reactions.I know I sound like a pessimist.But don’t we all reaaly have the same feeling of losing out so bad..? Where , you can’t guess  what you  just imagined or feared happens in reality.Ummm, I am afraid of many things.

      One of the many things that I am afraid of and which makes a constant part of my thoughts is- “Is this some kind of a fake fairytale like bubble I am supposedly living in..?.Where most this happening are so seamless like the perfection found mostly in storybooks.” Yes, this fear ,what if this IS a bubble I am in and it suddenly bursts and I  am faced with reality (In the face ).And ,what if i AM NOT PREPARED..? Or I am prepared but this ilusioning bubble has put me to test..? I don’t know but i can say I have put my thoughts across or confused you real bad.SO bad,that u lost your connectivity of thoughts.Or even convinced you that many of us are going through this.

  I’d want to end this part with these thoughts that struck me :

1.)Perfection is an ever moving ,changing and an extremely subjective concept .Where you feel you have control over  the perfect .i..e the control over your efforts that make things perfect but whenevr you feel you have conquered something ,it makes you more fearful and doubtful of your efforts.

2.)ALSO, perfection is our own creation where things don’t happen just like that.But where we make these things/events happen and keep doing that ,making our standards   and tagging them as perfect .

  So to say,maybe I made the fairytale around me .And the people i met are a part of that fairytale.That Fear i talked about earlier could also be one way where I am taking efforts to keep the perfection and in turn its overpowering my efforts. 

IS it this way or THAT.?

maybe that ..

hell-0 there..my second blog…yeah so even if this is kinda wierd..actually it may not be that wierd..as i am thinking it to be…well,the point is frequently i get these random things to my mind about my friends…they are those bunch of people who i am mostly happy to be with ( oh no big deal..everyone is..!!!) but at times when i haven’t met them for long …i feel i am missing out on friendship which other people have..as in we all have some foreva types friend and some yes! i do know you type friends…and suddenly it occurs to me that y can’t we b foreva friends with all people we know..? ..is it just not possible or ?is it just the way it is..? is it on us to take efforts for building up the “yes! i do know you”…to  “we can be foreva friends.”…or is it jus hypothetical what i have in my mind..? many questions…:/…this gets me to a feeling-envy / jealosy..oh now don’t ask me the difference btwwen the both ( envy/jealosy)…i  feel i can still be a part of a bigger group..yes maybe and alwayzz share strong bonds with many people of that big group…:)